Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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