The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
