Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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