Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
