Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
