Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
