The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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