Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
