So drunk its hurt
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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