I faked an abortion last night.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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