yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
