Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
