Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
