Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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