His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
