i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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