So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
