You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
whose parrot is this?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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