My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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