five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
