That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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