he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
