you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
