my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
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i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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