this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
