I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
