Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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