i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
