mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
