It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
