Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
