I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
