Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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