I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
