i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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