I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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