So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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