drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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