and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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