I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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