I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
