I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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