this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
