btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
