My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
