Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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