Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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