I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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