Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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