i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
