hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
