where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
