The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize