Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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