your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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