Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
