remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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