i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
