conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
