Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
