Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
